a collection of atoms unanimously in favor of the Oxford comma

Funny Or Die: How to tastefully get rid of a body

Ladies, let’s be real. We’ve all woken up to the stench of a body rotting in the neighbor’s backyard. The police arrive and tape off the sidewalk, and the whole ordeal is hopelessly embarrassing for whoever left the corpse out in the summer heat. That’s why I’m here to offer some advice :)

Heeb: A Guide to Making Your Seder More Uncomfortable

Seders get predictable. The wine’s way too sweet, “Chad Gadya” has had too many verses for millennia, and your overage cousin Chayah always finds the afikoman. That’s why Seders need emotionally unintelligent innovators like you to bring a little life into old traditions. We’ve written up a handy guide to help you lead your Seder out of the desert of mediocrity and into the Promised Land of not passing out from predictability ...

Funny Or Die: How to make people uncomfortable at your Halloween party

Go up to people and cheerfully say, “Trick or treat!” They’ll probably laugh it off. That’s when you stare them in the eye and softly murmur “Trick. Or. Treat,” like a mob boss. If they nervously give you some candy, great. If not, stand in a corner sipping vodka and eye them down the rest of the party ...

Funny Or Die: The 12 Steps of Trumpaholics Anonymous
1. Admit that you are powerless over talking, posting, and watching videos about Donald Trump ...

The Toast: Holden Caulfield: The Vampire Chronicles 

“Undead. There’s a word I really hate,” I sighed. “It’s phony. I could puke every time I hear it. And furthermore, what’s with all these vampires?” ...

Funny Or Die: Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Love Interest

Holmes’s eyes surveyed me up and down, in a way that would have seemed hella sketch in any other guy. But I knew he was looking for clues ...

From the Grapevine: 6 creative ways to find a Valentine in 6 hours

First, get a dog-walking job. Buy a bunch of incredibly long (think 50-yard) leashes, and cover them with Velcro, so they snag easily. Take all your dogs to the park at the same time, making sure to let the leashes out fully. It's only a matter of time until one of your leashes ...

Funny Or Die: "Back to the Future" from Marty’s Girlfriend’s Point of View

It may be taking Hollywood an inconceivably long time to produce the next “Rick and Morty,” but some of us have been waiting even longer for the next installment of a mad scientist making a boy travel through time and space ...

Buzzfeed: "When ninjas invaded my apartment"

Keep in mind, this all happened at a time in my life when the old rules got lost in the fire, and the new ones hadn’t grown in yet. I showed up in New York City, a small town girl (Chicago’s small, right?) with an equally small paycheck, and nowhere to live.

After an elaborate Craigslist search, I managed to wrangle myself up a spot at an old Brooklyn factory building turned “anarchist” loft with a bunch of other adult children. The F.B.I. had raided the building five years earlier, looking for vigilante group Anonymous. They found nothing, or at least nothing that they disclosed to Wikipedia.

Funny Or Die: "Rejected Onion Headlines"

- Candidates Debate Whether It’s Time For America To Switch Gods
- New Study Discovers Effective Alternative Medicine That Your Insurance Won’t Pay For
- Coworkers Skeptical Of Jewish Employee’s Claim That Her Tea Tastes Like Christmas